Checking In [quinn222]

I think I've been dealing rather well. On the surface anyway. I haven't fallen apart in any totally inappropriate places anyway. I haven't fallen apart in front of anyone actually. Had some moments when alone. I had to get gas yesterday and that involved driving by the hospital which was one of those hit you out of the blue moments. I'm having a hard time wrapping my brain around things I think. If I tell someone or even think "My dad died.' it just doesn't feel real.

I've been online a lot in the last week and half, just not very visible. I see things I want to reply to but can't seem to gather the initiative to actually do it. Things of epic proportions have been happening in the Adam Lambert fandom and there have been things I've wanted to say about it, but again, can't get my brain working enough to articulate them in print.

Holiday party at work this week and next weekend at WDW. Don't want to do either but everyone is telling me it'll be good for me to do them so I guess I am. Oh and we have to decorate the house for Christmas. Which I also don't want to do but my mom wants it done so I'm doing it. Trying to keep everything 'normal' I guess. My dad died on my sister's birthday and my mom was totally focused on making sure there was a birthday cake (which of course no one ate.) [Oh, and I really had to force my evil self to not go into the whole birthday cake fail which is my family.]

This morning something happened with The Family that I don't want to discuss in a public space but it really pissed me off and upset me. I'm kind of hiding out in my room since anything I say right now is something I'm likely to regret later. I may post about that in a locked post just to vent.

I suspect this whole post is totally incoherent. Oh well.

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Glad to see you checking in. And while I didn't think your post was incoherent, it would be understandable if it was.

My dad died 10 years ago on December 9th, so I understand the whole 'not wanting to decorate for Christmas' thing. I wish I had some words of wisdom to offer, but the old adage 'it gets better with time' is true in part. Time doesn't actually make it better, but it gets easier to deal with. I'll be thinking of you. (((hugs)))

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I understand totally - after my dad died this summer, I still have trouble coping with it as a real event ... for me it fell half way between my birthday and my mum's and was intertwined with all the fall out over COE and it hasn't really sunk in properly ... the time I broke down most was at the graveside, as that is just so gut-wrenching anyway ... dealing with family afterward isn't easy... it's as if we all want to deal with it in different ways, few of which are compatible ...

Your post is coherent to me ... take care of yourself is my advice ... thinking of you ...

Not incoherent at all. If it helps you to write stuff down, do it. Whatever it takes to get through the next ten seconds, the next minute, the next hour. Family stuff can be tough. Hang in there, hon.

It's not incoherent at all, you're reacting just like the rest of us would. Things will hit you at the strangest times and you'll have your days of complete misery but there will be other days when you can smile about him. Things will get better for you, trust in that. Just be kind to yourself and don't expect yourself to be feeling this or feeling that at certain times, just let it flow.

Now I'm sounding incoherent...blame it on our lousy cold rainy weather, it's a good thing you're not coming up here this weekend.

We posted at the same time, I think. Our messages to Quinn are strikingly similar.

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I think a lot of us are on the same page with this. I've lost 2 brothers in the last 5 years and all the words of encouragement and consolation I got through my online friends reallly helped last year.

It took me months to get over the shock of my dad's sudden death. Insignificant little things set me off. Days of living in a fog until a sudden shaft of reality would sink in. And finally it was easier. It will get easier for you. Just let it flow for now. We're here to support you through this difficult time.

Hang in there. Grief is a powerful thing and everyone has their own journey to mourn the loss of someone they love. Many years after my father's death I still have moments of unexpected sadness but I also filled with love and happiness when I think of him.

Quinn,

LJ literally got me through Donnie's death. I've looked back a couple of times and can't believe I posted some of the things I did. I was completely out of my head.

You won't remember a lot of this in a year or two. Let LJ help. Even if you don't read the comments or comment back. It will help you get it out your stress and loss.

People here do care. That's apparent to all of us.

As for the parties....Go if it feels right that day. Some of what people say will just generally piss you off. Sometimes you'll have to put yourself in time-out. Just like you are doing now. Still, you might enjoy some of the party. If you want to go, do. If you don't - don't.

My mom and dad both died before I was twenty. I still think of them often. It just all sucks during the adjustment period.

HUGS - so many HUGS

Edited Date: 2009-12-05 04:52 pm (UTC)

oh boy - had much to say but everyone else said it before me. Main thing is to be good to yourself, only do what YOU feel like doing - no matter what ANYone else says or wants, let yourself feel whatever you feel and cry whenever you feel the need to. To this day, and it's been years and years, I can still cry at the drop of a hat. It's the saddest thing in the world to lose someone you love - there's nothing wrong with honoring that and them by acknowledging it. HUGs you tight and I am so, so sorry for your loss.

Take all the time you need and say whatever you want, incoherent (which this post isn't) or not. We'll be here.

*hugs*

You are doing remarkably well. I am sending you and your family strength and comfort prayers.

I'm so sorry you're going through such a difficult time. I'm so very sorry for your loss.

It will get better. It won't go away completely, but it will get better I promise.

Dear Friend, grief is not a linear thing. It goes up and down and in circles. Smells, sounds, and sights bring up things at the most amazing times. It does get better, and just keep putting one foot in front of the other.

Do decorate. A neighbor of mine for many years (she's now in her 90s) said to me when I asked her why she still decorates and has friends over: she said once you stop then things really do fall apart. So, don't stop!

Write as much as you like.

Totally NOT incoherent, hon. I was pretty much like that for the first year after Mom died, and I get where you're coming from. I think that for some of us, the "digesting" can take a while and so for that time, it doesn't feel real. It's almost like a state of denial, but not really 'cause the facts are known and accepted, it's just the emotional part of the brain has to "catch up." So if this is how you're feeling, know you're not alone.

FWIW, something that really had an effect on me was Mom's scent. Sis and I had to clear out her closet a few weeks after she passed and it was full of her scent and it reminded me of sooo much. It dissipated after a while, but I'll never forget what it felt like to smell her like that. Still makes me emotional, even years later.

*hugs*

These feelings are totally natural -- and they are YOURS.
Never let anyone make you feel badly about real and honest
emotion.

Take your time and do what you have to do.

Your post is not incoherent. You and your family are going through a pretty traumatic event and it is going to hit each and every one of you in a different way. My one piece of advice is to talk about your feelings and about your father.
My dad dies 11 years ago and it still hits me at the weirdest times. I don't burst into tears or anything but I suddenly get all these memories surfacing. The pain lessens but your memories remain.

***HUGS***

This is totally coherent and you're allowed to feel any way you do and express it any way that helps. I hope you find a place to let go, here or with a friend in person.

I don't know who is telling you that going to parties this soon after your Dad's death will be 'good for you,' but I think they are completely misguided. I would say, if you were on the fence about going or not going - and I don't think you are on the fence at all - to stay home. Give yourself a chance to heal, for heaven's sake.

Decorating for Chirstmas is different only because your mother wants to do it. Other than that, there are going to be a lot of things you don't feel like doing this year, and that's fine. Let yourself mourn. FanSee

Hi Quinn,

I didn't visit your LJ for a long time since you stop writing QAF.

I'm very sorry for your loss. You and your family will be in my thoughts and prayers.

My sincere sympathies

Mariana

Quinn be easy on yourself you are grieving and part of that is the terrible lethargy that sucks you dry. Everyone grieves differently and your mum is doing what mums do.She is trying to hold the family together because if she stops it will become real to her and maybe she cannot face it yet. Hang in there Quinn 'hugs'

::hugs to you:: Families can be incredibly difficult. Frequently, misplaced anger and grief ends up venting in all sorts of inappropriate ways. It sounds like you're on the receiving end of some of that now.
Hang tough.

Hugs. We're hear to listen whenever you feel the need.

quinn222

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